Just A Little Pin Prick... In My Soul...

I started this blog later than I had planned. I talked about it on Twitter and Facebook. It was supposed to be a polished video blog. I thought I would have more time. We never have as much time as we think. I know I am dying. Not actively, but certainly. I know all death is certain, but I have reached a point in my treatment where I am no longer getting better. I am simply making trade offs with my health. Raising my O2 sats to levels that keep me from going into respiratory distress again forces me to raise my blood sugar, my blood pressure and heart rate to sometimes dangerous levels. I have been using the term "Profoundly Weak" I know it seems like poor grammar, but it's the best description I have for how weak I have been. I literally didn't know it was possible to feel so weak and still be alive. I am laying down typing this with my laptop on my chest and frequently have to pause and my breathing is labored. All this while I am in less pain than I have been in weeks. But less pain these days is still more pain than I can sometimes stand. Because I only leave the house now to see Doctors I'm pale. But that is more than a cosmetic problem, my Vitamin D is dangerously low. I didn't even know Vitamin D could be dangerously low. I have been getting muscle cramps that feel like tears and cause me to literally scream out and cry in pain. It's gotten better after a heavy supplement regimen. I think I have already mentioned this, which brings up another problem, my memory. I simply can't remember anything I don't write down. I'm not getting enough oxygen even with oxygen for my brain or body to function. 3 days this week my O2 sats have been below the level where I am in danger of respiratory distress. Once it's reached the level where Doctors worry about people falling into a coma. I don't know how long I have. The Vitamin D issue can be a sign of failing kidneys, which would be the end because I won't live off more machines. I could make it through the Winter and maybe feel better in Spring? I have no idea how long I have left. But when your treatments become trade-offs it's almost certainly the beginning of the end. An end which could be months away. I have a knack for cheating death. But in truth besides being so profoundly weak, I feel like someone poked a hole in my soul. I feel like I have a slow leak in my life force. I really can't explain it unless you have felt it. And I hope you never do.